A Losing Victory - for me
by laika
Summary: my first fic.... Okay, here you get to see a Thal's weird kinda crazed mind. please reivew?


A/N I like sad depressing fanfiction (rather morbid?)! Plus, I'm not sure if all the words here fit into their sentances; nor if they even exist; I cannot spell. I'm new to this so, hopefully your flames will turn me right!  
  


# 

Why They were Killed  
and   
Why We Will Be  
"And I don't want the world to see me  
  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am."  
  
  
Iris- By the Goo Goo Dolls  
  
-Prolgue-  


I stood up, not caring to push the chair back as my usual habbit of 'primness'. The days were dark, so much blood and death, troubles and losses everywhere and when the day we all longed for, the day victory had come they were all very happy. You should note that I said 'they' not 'we' as it was true. I was not very grieved at the Dark Side's loss and I did long for it but there was one thing too many for me to dread and wish it was tommorrow and tommorrow and tommorrow. But then, tommorrow would always come, swallow me whole and leave me sad and depressed. I knew I would feel like that, as now, with all the things keeping me busy I still felt empty and nothing more than the shell of a girl once known as 'Thal'. Alastor said it was nothing, just a stage every Auror would go through, but he didn't know. The other Aurors would be back at their homes, leading their usual way of life when darkness was far, being considered as heroes by many and be respected, honored. But, as I said, Alastor didn't know the whole part of it. I believe I was the only one, the only Auror that ever came home knowing you would find a brother as a werewolf, thinking you had betrayed them all, a dead father and mother somewhere in the grave who thought the same, and believed that risking your worthless life was nothing much heroic, but foolish and naeve, and find no little children running around, no one to comfort you amongst all the rejection. And when you do find that center of light, it leads to darkness, _is_ darkness and forever will be. I don't think you would understand my words if you have not experienced them yourselves. But then again, this is why I'm explaining it for you.  
  
Auroring was not a very easy job. Very stressful and depressing, having to relive deaths and torture. But it kept my mind off of other things. Other things meant, of course, the important things in life. Such as relationships, family, so on. I knew that but it was only that I didn't want to know it that made me go on and be another person here, another there. It was easy, I had grown into it and it became like a sport, gambling maybe. Roll the dice, you might get that high-ranking Death Eater, and then again... you might loose all your family, your sanity, and always your life.  
  
I had done that. Lost all my family's trust, thankfully not my sanity nor my life but at sme cases I did also get the 'lucky pirze'. But I had become almost one of them, one of the Death Eaters. Unconsciously though - and far too much. The Death Eaters took you in quickly, and when Alastor found that I had from long before reached Luscius's circle, he nearly lost himself in both anger and happines. They wanted me to play spy of course, but I refused. I would not betray them though I would put them into Azkaban and worser places, not directly at least. And I soon found that no, the Death Eaters did not kill you straight away when you were 'in the way' even if you were in their 'inner circle'. Toturing you out of sanity was the most popular. They were pretty sadistic, I had to agree, they were my friends and yet, at the same time my enemies. I didn't know why I hadn't been tempted by the Dark Side, they seemed to offer so much of what I felt I was in need of. I could see the reasons why they did this all. But no matter how much I'd explain, you would not understand. Even Dumbledore didn't understand when I tried, over and over to explain to him why they did it.  
  
I stood up, walking to the fridge and lazily openning it, letting it's light shine out into the kitchen's darkness. It was empty, as usual. I never did mind having an empty fidge as I hardly ever stayed here, always moving around, leaving no tracks behind. I was the onlly one who did it, the other Aurors were pretty confident and sure that the Death Eaters would not attack them and if they did, it would've been 'fun'. I was too. But it wasn't because of that that I became rather nomadic, moving here and there. It something else, a ringing sond in my head that I shouldn't stay there too long. Or anywhere.   
  
I closed the fridge, letting myself and the kitchen plunge into sudden darkness. I reached for my wand, somewhere in my pocket, 143/4 inches, willow with a strand of unicorn hair and a dragon's heartstring.   
  
"Lumos"  
  
A thin beam of light shone through the wand, shining onto the fridge. I looked to the fridge, noticing a few photographs stuck up clumsily with straps of selotape. There, beside a photo of Fang and Hagrid was a photograoh of James, Lily, Sirius, me, Remus, Arabella, Peter and Bertha all standing in front of the Hogwart's lake, smiling and waving as butterflies and dragonflies zoomed about chasing another. Despite myself, I smiled, remembering of times before. It wasn't that long ago, only felt like it as so much had changed in so little time. We were carefree, smiling, laughing, happy... We had little worries, we all were loyal through eachother's eyes. We were all alive.   
  
I saw my hand float up, gently stroking Sirius's face. What, how - why? It was true, I did miss even though I knew he would not, and never would. And there, James stood, his arms wrapped around Lily's shoulder. Peter stood, his blundering self, looking rather plump and fat than usual. And yet he had to die.  
  
The trials were being held soon. Too soon in my opinion. There I would see many that I had caught, brought back alive. Even more than Alastor's. Alastor had admitted it modestly, saying it as a praise, but yet again, lo and behold, more enemies to come. I tried taking it as so, as confident and - but I couldn't. Severus was there, as well as Luscios, Lynch and some other friends. Thankfully I hadn't caught them, but to lay Severus into some trouble would have given me some satisfaction.   
  
Sirius was there. I saw myself when I was overlooking the Dementors dragging Karkaroff into the rotting cell, _Sirius was there_. He peered through the thick metal bars at me. I tried not to notice, he still hated me, it was obvious. Everyone did. But then, when I looked there was a look - a look I had never seen on any Death Eater's face. Leaving Karkaroff screaming, yelling and flailing his arms about, I walked to Sirius's cell. His eyes were pale and tired, and yet they still shone out through the dimness. I hand reach to my shoulder, holding me back. I looked, saw Fudge standing there, looking rather disturbed and anxious, obviously drained and depressed. I gave a satisfied smile, sneered. I never did like him, approve of him - more gently put that is. He started talking, in the strange insane sort of way - he was always like this at Azkaban, couldn't hold the sadness off of him - and still holding me back from Sirius. I shook his grip off my shoulder easily - it was obvious, he feared the Aurors. I wanted to go to Sirius, anything, but something stopped me and forced me to go out of the prison and row back to shore.  
  
The days passed, along with the ordeals, one after another with me using my word strongly against theirs. It had been tiring, distressfull but I put up with it, the cold exterior of an Auror was needed to survive and I had that coldness. But everytime I stood, I felt my brother's gray eyes burn upon me, Dumbledore's or Severus's even. I didn't know how those particular eyes bothered me, all the eyes were on the speaker in the court - all. And so the days passed, becoming drearier and dreading day after day, Remus still keeping his distance and, after a while, affecting a few others. It didn't bother me much, only the fact that they were my family - Remus at least - but then again, I never felt anything towards my family, not much at least. Well, I mean my family - my family that's alive so I guess thats how I got that hard cold shell. I never really told anyone about my problems, worries, not even my diary. I had learned the consenquences for that, the hard way unfortunately, but I wasn't going to give up my whole life because of that little flaw. Little? Yeah, right. Little things, little flaws could ruin a person's life permanently and I knew it. My life was ruined, worse than ruined, so there was no use to tear it apart and let be trampled on like dirt. Just by that little flaw.   
  
I lived a life pretending to be dead, taking on fake names and addresses, soon dissappearing from everyone's mind. I found solitude as a companion, and solitude alone with constant depression or grief. But they left me soon enough as depression felt normal, happiness was like mad joy and grief was just like being put-off. I tried to forget the past and hope for the future, which strangely I wished was full of Dark Magic and Death Eaters. I don't know how I got through fifteen years of that, becoming a nomad and skipping from country to country. But it passed, snailing by, crawling ever so slowly each day.  
  
It was like being resurrected. Being called to Hogwarts, being called to take my former position of an Auror, being called back not as Alastor's partner, but Thal alone. The rise of the Dark Lord did disturb me rather, but I now had things to do, an excuse not to hide in the shadows waiting for the time I was needed. But when I was brought back alive, it was more of shock and suprise rather than joy or happiness. Almost everyone thought I was dead save Alastor and Albus who arranged my disappearance, or thought I was some of Voldemort's servants hiding, bidding their time before their master would arise. _Almost_ everyone that is.  
  



End file.
